Crossing the Christian’s Boundaries

Crossing the Christian’s Boundaries
By Laurence Gonzaga

Hi Laurence - Had a question for you--- I have been reading a book on dealing with a loved with a mental health condition, and one of the things it talks about is the importance of boundaries -- to my uneducated mind on matters of psychology, i see there being a conflict with setting boundaries and that of basically Christ's all and totally giving example -- giving to the point of death. Do you have insights on how one may and must set appropriate boundaries on their relationships with people that does not necessarily set aside the example of Christ, or efforts to say, heroic virtue of serving another. [My only guess is that, when dealing with some people, by giving so much of oneself that it enables a person, and in no way helps them with their redemption or self improvement, etc...]. Appreciate if you can offer a few words of insight, I know you've studied psychology and theology so you could help me understand how to see these two issues, which in some ways, conflict in my mind. Thanks!

Hi John,

It’s been a while since I have answered questions. I’ve come a long way from Xanga days! I hope I can be of assistance. This topic which you raise is actually a topic which I have been pondering for the last three years in general in my global experience since coming back to the Catholic Church and my apostolates therein. Recently, I have been reflecting on this more in reflection of my personal relationships, and one in particular.

I will make my clear responses first and then elaborate further. 1) Boundaries are necessary in every healthy relationship. 2) Setting up healthy boundaries is not contrary to the model of Christ, but I would submit are fulfillments of His example.

To put it simply, boundaries are set to help maintain a healthy balance between what is healthy and unhealthy (physically, emotionally, morally, etc.), between what is and is not, what is yours and what is mine, my responsibility and your responsibility, etc. There may be some appropriate times when boundaries are crossed, but for the most part we need to learn to be cognizant of everything that is important in a relational system, out of respect for the other, as well as yourself.

To avoid becoming too general and thus missing the object of your query, I will limit myself to the common misconception in Christian living that Christianity is about basically becoming a pious doormat. Let me give some examples of abuses which a Christian may endure/ undertake/ “offer up”, etc.

1) In the workplace, coworkers know that you take your faith seriously, and that you believe doing your work well is part of your Christian commitment and responsibility. You don’t complain, but work hard always with a smile on your face. As a result, co-workers start giving you some of their work to do, slowly increasing it. As a result, your stress level increases, which may affect your health and family/social/spiritual life, and your coworker learns to be lazy and abusive. I submit to you that this is a sin against justice, for yourself, and charity towards your coworker, since they are not gaining or practicing any virtues by their abuse.

2) In your romantic relationship, when she gets a little bit jealous of your female friends or coworkers, it may seem cute at first, but slowly that grows into suspicion and obsessive checking up on you, monitoring your communications to find whatever it is you are up to (and she knows it’s there somewhere), it is not Christian to tolerate such behavior. This too is a sin against justice towards you, since you are in actuality not guilty of anything, and also a sin against charity towards her since these behaviors are signs of neuroses (when depression and anxiety are becoming mainstays) and in some cases psychoses (when there is no basis in fact). In this case, the Christian ought not to tolerate this but seek help for the partner, individually and as a couple.

3) At Church, when I am part of the choir, the soup kitchen, the altar society, altar boy coordinator, hospitality ministry, catechist, and youth leader… and if I get another call tomorrow because they need another helper at the Bingo night to raise money for a new roof, I will say yes, because it is for God! Well, I submit that this too may not be Christian, but another sign of mental/emotional/social imbalance. It could be many things from narcissistic or borderline personality disorder, avoidance behavior, addiction, depression, etc. It may be even as simple as the lesson that God would be more pleased with you completing two projects perfectly, or close to it, rather than 15 projects half-baked. It may be a sin against justice for those whom you would be serving in a fatigued capacity, and a sin against charity towards your spouse, children, family, or friends if they are being neglected.

When I was in my doctoral program, short-lived as it was, the lesson of “self-care” was always a constant theme, a theme that my cohort members and I weren’t always on top of because inevitably, tests were coming, papers were due, and the stats needed to be run, and they won’t accomplish themselves waiting for me to finish my mud bath at the spa. Self-care is basically identifying that which satisfies your personal needs for: peace with God, peace with yourself, and peace with others (my definition). I’ve always heard it placed in another order from church folks: God comes first, everyone else second, and you last. I beg to defer in this sense. There is an old principle, Nemo quod dat non habet-You cannot give what you do not have. In the book, The Soul of the Apostolate, it talks about the apostolate being the overflow of grace from your own life. So, if you yourself are not well, you can’t be a fully effective instrument in the lives of others. Self-care can be things like personal space and time away for retreat, even for a few hours. It may mean spending time away from your spouse and spending time with the guys. It may mean taking the family on a long awaited vacation. It may mean reading some good books. It may mean joining a rugby team, or going to a basketball game.

To your point about Christ’s giving to the extent of death, I would respond that his intention/mission was to die for the sins of His beloved. Our mission may be a giving of self, to some degree or another, but it is not to die for the sins of our beloved. Ordinarily speaking, our death won’t necessarily help any of our friends at all. Good medicine always proportionately and appropriately treats the ailment.

I will also share the Scripture which came to mind when I first read your question last week.

Let no temptation take hold on you, but such as is human. And God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that which you are able: but will make also with temptation issue, that you may be able to bear it.
(1 Corinthians 10:13 DRB)

What I am proposing is not exegesis, but theological reflection here. If God will not tempt/burden you more than what you are able to endure, then why should we expect that others, because of their lack of proper boundaries, may tempt/burden us more than what we can healthily endure? I took a break writing this response and another verse came into my mind. I think it is appropriate since God ultimately wants us to be at peace, and part of being at peace is being at rest.

There remaineth therefore a day of rest for the people of God. For he that is entered into his rest, the same also hath rested from his works, as God did from his. Let us hasten therefore to enter into that rest: lest any man fall into the same example of unbelief. For the word of God is living and effectual and more piercing than any two edged sword; and reaching unto the division of the soul and the spirit, of the joints also and the marrow: and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.
(Hebrews 4:9-12 DRB)

If God is our model, and he “rested” after his work, then we too ought to follow His lead and rest. Rest is very important because it helps us to recollect, and prepare for the next undertaking. Often we produce better work after a good rest than if we were to have worked straight through.

In summary, I would encourage any sincere and honest Christian to examine their conscience to determine what their motivations are for the works that they do in the name of Christ and His Church. Is your intention pure, or is it selfish, for accolades, for recognition and certificates? Is it out of love for the other, or is it SO THAT they will love you? In the end, I believe God is more pleased when your efforts are truly arising from a self-less heart, pure in intention, and from the depths of your own personality. In that sense, the gift is truly self-giving, for it contains the sentiments of your heart as well as the sweat of your brow. However, personal gifts presuppose personality, and that is only achieved when you have a clear sense of who you are, and who you are not, what you are able to do and what your limitations are, what your responsibilities are and the responsibilities of the beloved. The aim of true psychology is the wholeness of the person, for you and for them, and not dependency or co-dependency. I believe it is the boundary between justice for you and charity towards them, and the boundary between justice for them and charity towards yourself.

God Bless you, old friend.