So what exactly are you saying? : A reflection on self-disclosure

Outside events have placed you in voluntary confinement, worse perhaps, because of its circumstances, than the confinement of a prison. You have suffered an eclipse of your personality.

On all sides you feel yourself hemmed in: selfishness, curiosity, misunderstanding, people talking behind your back. All right: so what? Have you forgotten your free-will and that power of yours as a 'child'? The absence of flowers and leaves (external action) does not exclude the growth and activity of the roots (interior life).

Work: things will change, and you will yield more fruit than before, and sweeter too.

~ St. Josemaria Escriva, The Way, 697

Self disclosure is simply put, the activity by which I choose to allow another person to know certain things about myself that is otherwise private. They can be deep down secrets. They can be our deepest fears and greatest joys. For whatever reason, sometimes we choose not to allow certain people to be privy to these things. One thing is clear, we cannot deny the fact that sometimes there are experiences in our past, from the mundane to the monumental that still have an effect on our behaviors and the way we make decisions today. But what if those ideas place a considerable obstacle to making a sound, reasonable, and fair decision today?

Some remedy this by perennially dwelling in the past. But, what good is it really to constantly think about what I could have, should have, or would have done? I cannot change the past. But, I can learn from the past, and make better decisions today and in the future. I can recognize that I have the ability to make rational and reasonable decisions about my future, aided by God’s grace of course. I can also change the way in which I view the world and my perceived success in anything, within reason. The objective reality of a half-filled/half-empty glass of water is the same. It is the subjective reality in the eye of the perceiver which separates the optimist and the pessimist. The pessimist only looks at the negative aspects of things. The optimist looks at the positive aspects of things. However, we can further divide the optimist, between a true and false optimist. The true optimist looks at the reality of the situation, and makes the best out of what he has to work with. The false optimist could also be known as a day-dreamer. He has big dreams, but he neither has the natural skill, nor the organization to set goals and plan steps to achieve such goals. He also does not have the motivation to even begin the process.

We live in a pretty simple world. It is human minds and personalities which make relationships complex. We all have our “baggage”, so to speak. We have a choice to either beat our new relationships over the head with this baggage, ignore that the baggage exists, or we can simply keep it in plain sight, waiting for the right time for someone trustworthy enough to share that information with. So, in terms of self-disclosure, we need to be aware of our motivations when we disclose information about ourselves, which sometimes puts us in a vulnerable position. Are we lying? Are we using it to manipulate others? Do we do it because we think it is our duty to reveal everything? This is particularly problematic in our online shopping, online idolization, and online dating culture. It is very easy to re-create myself into my ideal self. All the while the real person behind the profile or screen name is far from my own fantasized standard.

That said, I think relationships, whether familial, romantic, or platonic, ought to have a number of key features which encourages self-disclosure.

1)      Love – There are three basic forms of love: eros (romantic or erotic love), filia (love of friendship), and agape (Christian love). The greatest of these loves is agape, because it is a self-less giving towards others, not looking for anything in return. Romantic love, it seems, is stronger when it is founded upon agape and certainly filia, over and above eros. But eros seems to be the dominant form of love in today’s culture. It is our duty to be part of the counter-revolution which brings back the importance of filia in relationships.

2)      Honesty – It really is the best policy. Your feelings and ideas have value. Figuring out the right time, place, and approach to it is the art of communication which is beyond the scope of this piece. The idea behind this is to take an objective look at what you are thinking, and as the time is right, be clear and focused on what your intentions are.

3)      Sincerity – Honesty is the “say what you mean”, and sincerity is the “mean what you say” part of this. Most people have a good sense of when people are being sincere. Though you cannot train people to be sincere, perhaps you can show them how it’s done by your wonderful example.

4)      Trust – Be trustworthy. Sometimes we expect others to trust us; all the while we ourselves are not exactly truthful with them in all aspects either. This does not mean trust everyone; it just means, be open to trust people who have demonstrated that they are indeed worthy of such regard.

5)      Realistic self-concept – Don’t pretend to be someone you are not. Plain and simple. Most people can see right through your narcissistic façade. So be yourself, and people will respect you for that. If they don’t like you for who you are, tough.

6)      Openness to change – Put away your pride, and recognize that sometimes we don’t see our own flaws. Usually we either think of ourselves better or worse than we really are. Others can help us see who we really are, and so, with those whom we trust, when they point out a certain flaw in our character, listen carefully. Though people cannot change you, they can help make you want to change yourself. The power lies with you.

7)      Optimistic, but realistic – Look at the relationship for what it is. Don’t see things negative that aren’t there; this will avoid arguments and misunderstandings that didn’t have to be if you would have just avoided assuming. Also, don’t see things that are positive that aren’t really there; this will allow you to be realistic about the nature of this relationship so as to not allow you to be a doormat to the demands of others.

8)      Not just heard, but understood – Insist upon not just being heard, but being understood. Hearing and listening are two very different activities. The Golden Rule here applies. Seek to understand others as you would wish to be understood by them.

In summary, self-disclosure is when we trust someone enough to be able to feel comfortable to disclose information about ourselves which most other people do not know. We do this when we feel that our relationships are ones founded upon love, honesty, sincerity, trust, openness, optimism, and understanding. You will save yourself a lot of trouble if you practice reasonable and appropriate self-disclosure.