Spare Change: The Motivation I Need to Make Progress

I recall the night I made that hopeful commitment. I was in San Francisco, on a visit to attend my cousin’s wedding. I was at the Ghirardelli’s in the heart of San Francisco. All the cousins went out for some shakes and ice cream. In the middle of it, I received a call. She called to ask what I meant by a particular statement I texted her earlier that day. I’ll reveal this much about men, sometimes we say things we don’t mean. Women do it as well. But, I learned a long time ago that it never pays to say things I don’t mean. The reason is, at some point, the truth comes out. So, the thought must have crossed her mind to question what I texted her. I had said something to the effect of, “You make me want to change”. So she made it a point to say that she can’t change me; she won’t change me because we can’t change people. I quickly agreed. So, I had to clarify. It is not that we should set out to change people so that they can fit our ideal. I said, “I don’t want to change because you want me to change; but you help me to see what flaws I have in my own personality, and that motivates me to want to change myself.”

So, there are three elements at work here: 1) a person who is willing to tell me not just what I want to hear, but what I need to hear, 2) an openness to accept the flaws I cannot see or wish to see, and 3) my willingness to change for the better. On both sides, love is the motivation. Aquinas taught that love is willing the good of the other. Therefore, we have this mutual interest to be that mirror for the other, to help them see themselves in a more realistic way. But also, out of love for the other, I would have to be willing to change that which prevents me from becoming a better version of myself.

Now, the last year has provided for me the happiest moments of my life, and at times, some of the most heartbreaking of moments. We can’t escape life’s unexpected turns. We can’t plan for some things. We can get frustrated, sad, hurt, and angry. These are normal. The question is: what do we do with the experience? Do we learn from it? Do we grow from it? As difficult as it is to admit, I really needed this time of relative silence for the last month to revisit some of the memories we have shared. Throughout my day, whether it is at work, driving, reading, relaxing, watching a movie, brushing my teeth, passing through certain areas, the day is permeated with memories. Often times it is good memories which makes me smile, but also there are bad memories, of how I reacted or she reacted to some things said or done. I feel like such an idiot sometimes. How could I have failed to appreciate her efforts? So, this time has helped me to realize many things. Perhaps the specifics will be revealed later. It is only appropriate that she would be the first to hear them before my readers do.

I would like to share some of the quotes I pulled from a book I recently purchased and read. Even though much of it is a bit more cliché than I am used to, my heart was moved by reading many of them. I recall sitting at a Starbucks in Rubidoux reading, recalling that just months before we had been there looking for a coffee shop, and then reading and realizing what I had neglected to do for her. I was literally moved to tears. I was tempted to text her that I was sorry. But we had agreed not to communicate, and so texting an apology would only open the door to a full fledged conversation. I am anxious to resume communication in a few weeks because I have been holding much back. I want to finally be totally open and totally free to communicate whatever is on my mind. I want her to know my thoughts, concerns, fears, and hopes. I am also interested in hearing the same from her. I had been doing things my way for many years and it is time for some change. I have been saving up my change since high school. There’s no better time than the present to cash in.

Laurence G.

May 31, 2011

The Feast of the Visitation

Quotes from Caring Enough to Confront, by David Augsburger

"To love another is to invite, support, protect the person's equal right to hear and be heard." p. 26

"I will risk; I will reveal my true self; I will be increasingly vulnerable to you by respecting your perceptions equally with my own." p. 27

"I want to be responsible with you." p. 49

"Trust is love that forgets the past, reaches out here and now to believe and encourage others, and gives them the freedom to claim the future." p. 67

‎"Trust is a relationship of risk and reliability, of honesty with loyalty, of goodness with genuineness. Trust is the basic stuff of all relationships." p. 71

"To give joy to another is to extend grace-love without conditions and limitations-to another. It is to admire, appreciate and enjoy another without trying to change him or her by rejecting parts of that person as unacceptable or intolerable.

To enjoy another is like enjoying a sunset. You do not command, 'tone down the reds. Raise the lavendars. Stop! Too much yellow. A bit more blue, please.' You are not in command. You are in awe. In respect. In appreciation. And to see another unfold and to enjoy that unfolding-that is grace." pp. 93-94

"What is stopping you from making those changes? How are you keeping yourself from being the different person your work needs, your world needs, you need?" p.99

‎"Repentance is owning responsibility for what was, accepting responsibility for what is, and acting responsibly now." p. 101

"It is a growing person who can honestly say, 'I have done wrong. I own it. It was my action. I am responsible for it. I am choosing to end that way of behaving. I am choosing to live in a new way.'", p. 103

"Persons with responsibility are persons in touch with their own ability to respond to others in free, vulnerable honesty." p. 106

"I need to deal with my own prejudging-whether it be radical, liberal, conservative, or apathetic. I am all of these on different issues. I am in process of changing and being changed." p. 114

"Without conscientious wisdom, human beings become inhuman. Persons become unquestioning robots. And human community becomes a mass of pliable and pitiable puppets manipulated by the strings of any chance chain of command." p. 130